I like writing letters to future boyfriend because with everything that has gone wrong in my previous relationships, I'd like to think things will get better the second time around (actually, the fourth time around, because I have had three boyfriends.)
Dear future boyfriend,
I know that when we get together, you will love me for all my quirks, so I am not going to hold back what I really think. Instead, I am going to be completely honest with you about all these lovey-dovey stuff couples do.
Monthsaries. I HATE MONTHSARIES. To quote a text sent to me by my friend, "Couples celebrate monthsaries because most relationships don't reach anniversaries." (I corrected the horrible grammar) True. How very, very true.
Seriously, do you want fireworks for every thirty days we manage not to break up? It's like you're on the edge of your seat, expecting us to split. So unless it's our twelfth monthsary, which is our anniversary (duh), don't expect me to jump up and down with joy.
Also, those special numbers couples have, like back in the Friendster days when you'd put your monthsary date in Roman Numerals (miKaeLa_xxvii—yes, I really did that!)? I hate them. Please do not makea big deal out of a "special number".
Pet names. Sweetie, honey, angel, baby, and the jologs bhie, bhe, dhie (Daddy), mhie (Mommy—lawl at the suckass pet names people come up with)... everything has been used. How about we make it more interesting? Twat, slutwhore, jizz-breath, fatass... I am especially partial to slutwhore, because it is quite catchy. "Good morning, sweetheart, I love you!" just doesn't have the same edge as "Good morning, slutwhore, I love you!"
The exception here would be princess, because no one has ever called me that. Princess Ela sounds precious. This would be better if you gave me a diamond-encrusted tiara, but cubic zirconia would work just as well.
Theme song. Assuming that we have the same taste in music, which is improbable because I do not have a musical soulmate, I would like to say this: I am not going to let a relationship ruin yet another good song for me. My ex already did that for The Fight is Over.
Instead, we are gonna pick a theme song that is so tacky (like Pangako Sa'yo), so common (Bruno Mars' Just The Way You Are or anything by Paramore, really—I FUCKING HATE PARAMORE), and so annoying (anything Miley Cyrus) that if we break up, I will never feel bad when hearing our theme song.
If we use, say, songs by The Cure or Fall Out Boy or Urbandub, I will feel awful when we break up because I wouldn't be able to listen to them without wanting to rip my heart out with misery over missing you. And you are not worth losing my favorite music over. Robert Smith/Pete Wentz & Patrick Stump/Gabby Alipe > Future Boyfriend.
Vices. Heh. This is a rather awkward issue, but it's really simple for me. You can drink, smoke, and get stoned. As long as you tell me, and as long as you don't go overboard, I am totally cool with it. See, I am gonna be an amazing girlfriend, I don't even know why I'm still single.
Seriously, though, I guess I'm cool about vices because I don't wanna be that girl who's all, "Hoy, bakit umiinom ka nanaman, wala ka talagang modo, nag-nag-nag..."
(Also because I probably drink more than you do, so I don't want you giving me shit about my vices.)
Now, I know what you're thinking: Damn, my new girlfriend is screwed up! But in exchange for you putting up with my fuckton of eccentricities and dark-and-twisty issues, I promise to be incredibly thoughtful, sweet, generous, and the coolest girlfriend you will ever have in your pathetic life.
Loving you with all the pieces of the black hole previously known as my heart,