Depression Junkie

Well, am I?

In Closer (one of my favorite movies), there was a scene where Clive Owen and the delicious Jude Law were locked in a heated argument over Julia Roberts.

0:27

Dan: ...if you love her, you'll let her go so she can be happy.
Larry: She doesn't want to be happy.
Dan: Everybody wants to be happy.
Larry: Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing. 

Confirming what I suspected, Kat told me that I seek out things to be depressed about. The sucky realization that this might be true in my case made me feel... well, what else, sad.

Maybe I gravitate towards darkness and failure because on some level, I don't want to change the misery to which I had become accustomed. Maybe my unyielding pessimism is my way of avoiding pain. Maybe, in my subconscious, I feel undeserving of happiness, and I nurture this self-defeating attitude by finding a way to feel like shit. Maybe lang naman.

How sick is that? I have had quite enough of being all dark and twisty. Time for a change, methinks.

I am serious this time. No more halfway relationships, no more stupid decisions, no more writing depressing stuff overly emotional posts, no more waiting for McDreamy when I could have McVet (Grey's Anatomy references are the best). Genuine happiness might be just around the corner if I open my eyes.

(Depression junkie. Heh. If it weren't so twisted, it would sound quite cool.)